After competing in fitness, my hormones went into the shitter, and I had no control over how I felt anymore; that’s not true, I had feeling like crap down to a science.
As an all-natural competitor, it didn’t make sense that I was suffering from hair loss, joint pain, extreme weight gain, memory loss, and several other wacky things. I hid from the world, trying my damndest to push through alone, but I was shutting down.
I went to work, the gym, home, and cried a lot. Daily, I berated myself in the mirror, missing the competitor version of myself. I looked at women in the gym jealously and envious of their bodies. I dreamed of competing again, but how when every time I tried to make progress my body would reject me?
Competing took a toll on my body, and I became a hormonal mess. After finally getting answers on my issues (read What Happened To My Body After Competing), my goal went from competing to healing. A challenge and a mental game that I had to stay positive for, but I wasn’t ready.
After almost a year of searching for answers, I weighed 155 pounds and gaining. I was sad and disgusted with myself. How could I be this big? How could I have let this happen? Who would love me like looking like this? It was so easy for me to hate and blame myself because of the way I looked; I felt hopeless.
My doctor told me I needed to lose weight because now, with all my other problems, I was prediabetic. I cried in his office, and he was so awkward while I cried that he excused himself (lol). I sat there thinking, ‘what else can I do?’ The advice is to lose weight, but that’s what I was trying to do. I was busting my ass, eating lower calories, working out six days a week, and doing cardio. What else could I do?
It took time and a lot of tears, but I realized the more negative I spoke and thought about myself, the more weight I gained. The everyday stress I induced on my body to be something I couldn’t help at the moment, was getting to me, and only made me more negative about my image.
I always heard, change your mindset, lose the weight, and I knew I needed to be more positive, but how? I was embarrassed by what people were saying and my negative thoughts consumed me. The only solution was to let go of the past because it was the only way to move forward.
It was a struggle to be nice to me, especially at first. One of the hardest things for me to move past was wearing sleeveless shirts in the gym. It may sound stupid, but I didn’t like my arms and I couldn’t avoid them. All my cute tanks and crop tops I use to wear in the gym were now in a container under my bed.
My gym gear was now baggy tees and sweatshirts because I felt as if all eyes were on my weight. Truly, I know no one was paying attention to me, but I decided if people were going to look my way, then I would give them something to see. I started wearing funny t-shirts to the gym, and it became fun to have something as my thing; it’s true, I dedicated a whole highlight to it on my Instagram.
Changing my mindset didn’t happen overnight, it was a process and I took steps into loving myself. I got a wall decal that said: “Be amazing today” and put it above my sink in my bathroom. I said to myself in the mirror every morning, “You’re amazing and beautiful.” I didn’t dare talk down or allow myself to think negatively. Small wins were celebrated and praised daily! And with doing all this, I started to feel better and good about myself. My weight started coming off without changing my workouts or diet.
Without even noticing it, I was smiling more and remembered it’s not how I look; it’s how I feel. I had forgotten in order to heal my hormones, I had to stop judging what I saw in the mirror. It was now my priority to focus on how I felt. I had no more joint pain, I had energy, I had a period (dear God, did I ever have a period!), I had hunger under control, I was making progress and happy!
Having a good mindset can make a world of difference and help you reach any goal. When a negative thought creeps into your brain, it can infect your entire thought process and make you question what you’re doing with your health, work, relationship, or anything in your life.
One thing many people struggle with is their inner critic on their own body, but did you know, being positive about your body can lead to wanting a healthier body? The desire doesn’t come from negative thoughts of your body, but because you love your body SO MUCH you want to take care of it.
I know it’s hard to be nice to yourself because I’ve been there, but putting yourself down will only make your journey more difficult. It’s important to be your biggest fan in life because if you’re not cheering you on, then don’t expect anyone else too.
Set your standards, know your worth, and believe in YOU!